Monday, July 6, 2009

A 2012 Presidential run...

The most prominent rumor running around the mill is that Palin has dropped out due to a shot at the 2012 presidency. She's going to focus on gearing up and ramping up her campaign. Here are the major problems with this:

  • She looks like a quitter

  • She might leave the spotlight

  • It's going to be really hard for her to focus on the presidential run because she is so focused on pleasuring me sexually. She's told me this many times.

Boy oh boy... the American rumor mill really seems to be churning... and it seems that every rumor can't get away from how sexually attracted Sarah Palin is to me.

Every middle-aged man in middle America is envious of me.

This truly is the American dream.

The Shopping Spree... with a twist

This one comes from very conclusive evidence, and was expected to be posted on this site the minute this blog started. Sarah Palin has quit her governorship because she has been offered a shopping spree by the Republican Party. Most people expected this to be the case because of the famed shopping spree that occurred throughout the presidential election, but one small fact was overlooked:

Most of the shopping that Sarah Palin did was in an effort to seduce me, Dru Johnston.

This is true, and I can prove it because of this very real email she sent me moments ago:

"Dear Dru,

I'm leaving the governor's office because I have been offered a shopping spree in New York City and I find you incredibly attractive.


Sarah Palin"

So real. This is so, so real.

Wolf Attack

Based on conclusive evidence I have deduced that Sarah Palin is quitting the governor's office because she is not actually Sarah Palin but a look alike standin who is only there because the real Sarah Palin was attacked by a wolf. The stand in is quitting because she is obviously unqualified (unlike the actual Sarah Palin who so is) and wants to pass the role off to the Lt. Gov. I have deduced this using the following facts:

  • Sarah Palin lives in Alaska

  • Wolves also live in Alaska

  • Wolves sometimes attack humans like in Beauty and the Beast

  • I just saw the movie Dave and its a great movie

This theory pulls together a lot of loose ends... like the fact that wolves and Sarah Palin live in the same state. Fortunately for this reporter the Sarah Palin standin has a huge crush on me.

This is all true... I am a legit reporter...

Pursuing her true passion...

Sarah Palin has reportedly told me that she is quitting the Alaskan governorship in order to pursue her long awaited dream of constantly sleeping with me. This is true and comes from a primary source. Please see the transcript of my exclusive interview with Ms. Palin.

Dru Johnston: So, Sarah, it's nice for you to sit down with me here at The Year of the Blog to talk exclusively about why you're leaving the governor's mansion.
Sarah Palin: Of course, it's my pleasure, Dru.
DJ: So, there are rumors flying about why you're leaving.
SP: I know, it's caused quite the hulabaloo. But no one's covered the real reason.
DJ: And what might that be?
SP: Constantly sleeping with you.
DJ: Excuse me?
SP: It's true (begins undressing)
DJ: Ms. Palin, this is a classy interview.
SP: You know what the difference is between a pitbull and a hockey mom?
DJ: I don't know. What?
SP: The pitbull's not going to fuck you.

This is all true. None of this is fabricated. At all.